I can say I'm a fairly optimistic person.
Despite experiencing so many failures, so many falls, I had always been my excited, curious self that would not hesitate to seize any opportunity coming my way.

A year and a half through college though, I have grown very self-conscious about what would others think about me.

I have always believed that a successful career starts as early as networking in college, thus why I try my hardest to put up the best version of myself everyday; giving up myself, my time, and my happiness in order to become an event's committee member, a 'lackey' for a mostly more senior team members of competitions, etc.

And I know the following sentences are going to make me sound like the ungrateful toad that I am, but yeah.
I am very scared about joining any competitions now.
I have been trying to get into one from last semester and I was blessed with 2 chances, but in the end I blew either of them.

I know it's just 2 times. Einstein would've snorted at me being dramatic as always.

But you know what.. these 2 times, I pursued these dreams with my best friend, and she nailed both.

I am so happy that she gets the recognition she deserves, but at the same time it is taking a toll on me - not being able to achieve anything worthy of pride.
Sometimes I can not help but feel that I could've done better...but I push those thoughts far, far away.

There's something out there for me and I just have to keep believing.

Just as Dory said, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

I will keep swimming. No matter how far behind I am from my friends, I will swim hard and diligently, until I reach the perfect waters for me to shine.