(Photo by Ian Schneider from unsplash.com)

It's a Sunday and I know I promised myself I would write more this semester as I don't take that many credits anymore in uni - but as always, I rarely follow up with any of my new year resolutions. It's both sad and funny how I always end up getting the motivation to write after experiencing a failure/something bad. Do you really have to be slapped in the face by the entire universe to start writing properly, Innaz? I'm not quite sure. But I do know that there's something happening this week that led me to some kind of epiphany.

In the middle of this week, there was an announcement - the results of the selection for a national competition I have been eyeing since I was a freshman. And yes, I flunked this one too just like many other competitions I tried out. This hit me so hard, and yes  if you have read my previous blog posts, my best friend made it through the selection. This was not even a deja vu, it became more like an obvious pattern which I am so sick of. I hate that I'm not included, that I'm hurting on my own and nobody seems to care. The whole day I felt like shit. I lashed out to everyone. The Hulk inside me came out and it's green with unreasonable envy. I wanted someone to say something, anything, really. I was so tired and sad and confused.

The following day, my best friend finally reached out to me. She apologized, but it didn't make me feel any better. I thought I wanted to hear that, well, apparently not. Something she said, not the apology part, that's what really got me. She started the apology by addressing that, yes, she knew I was upset and feeling down. But, she is also aware that we are two different people who cope differently. She knew I wanted her to talk to me and cheer me up, but it's not in her character to do so. She tried to find the right words, but she simply couldn't and thought it was best to leave me be rather than poke around the subject adding salt to my wounds. I really appreciate that. That her not cheering me is her way of cheering me. That there's a valid reason and thoughts behind her action. And I think I'll be able to move forward from this with something more than a champion title. I learned something about how friendship, or any relationship, really works.

Sometimes, when you feel sad and left out, and that there's nobody beside you - there's always someone out there wanting to reach out, but they know better and they're just giving you space. Sometimes, when you feel like nobody's saying what you want to hear, someone out there wants to say it to make you feel better, but refrained themselves from doing so because they're afraid those words may hurt you in the future. Sometimes it's better to get hurt now and come to a realization a bit later, than have the easy way handed to you without you learning anything. I know now why people say there's always more than meets the eye.

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