My 2019, Wrapped


I used to write end of the year notes to reflect and look back to everything that went by. They were mostly of my achievements, because I always try to end the year with a grateful heart. I write down some of my downfalls as well, to balance it out. I can't pretend they didn't happen, I could only see them as a lesson.

Many things happened this year as well.
Things that got me thinking, "So this is how it feels to be 21."

But there's also something entirely new this year. I don't know why it happens to appear now or if it's supposed to happen around this time in one's life, but it's here. It's changing me. I am definitely not who I used to be.

I seem to develop a sense of.. greed.
Not the kind of greed a little kid would feel when they ask for more candies. Not the kind people who worship money has either.

It feels somewhat raw, like maybe it's close to the original kind of greed. It's consuming.

I'm deliberately ignoring the truth. I'm consciously putting my problems at the very back of my mind. I'm heartlessly closing my heart. I decided I want to live, and I want to live for myself. I can't afford to care too much about anything else if I wanted to live for myself.

My whole life hasn't been normal, even just for a second. But I desperately want to think that I was normal for once. I want to feel what I haven't been able to feel all this time. I want to experience the most out of every moment. I don't wish to be the main character of my life anymore, I selfishly want to become the director.

I want to let myself free, at ANY costs.
Before it's too late, before I regret not doing so.

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