I used to believe that life is a continuous cycle of tests and rewards.

I remember my teacher telling me that faith has levels, one of the lowest being: doing good because one believes that God shall reward them later. It irritated me that someone was indirectly pointing out that I was not a high level believer of God, but the test & reward is still (and probably will always be) the easiest concept I could wrap my head around.

And so I continue living with that mindset, until now that I have come to a new point in life where I ask myself a lot. Where I have lots of doubts. Disappointments. Anger. Mostly towards myself.

I don't know what to make of this new point. Is it some sort of a test? Am I going to come out as a higher level believer or am I going to find something that will change my beliefs?

I am frankly quite scared, as the concept of religion was something that was forced on me - not an output of a self discovery. Why am I having these thoughts? Were the 6 years I spent going to an Islamic elementary school useful at all?

I don't know if I should see a shrink or an Ustad.
I have a lot of questions that need professional reply from a human, not a 'spiritual' answer you think you get when you pray/read the Qur'an.

I know I'm bit of a mess right now, and I want to find help. Afterall, I still want to live to the fullest.