On being 24 and learning to put myself out there.

6.2.22

Many people proclaim themselves as perfectionist, but I'm not one of them. It's so hard for me to publish something, not because I never finish writing in search of perfection - but because deep down, I'm afraid to put my thoughts, to put myself out there for people to judge.

I used to write blogs, short stories, and song lyrics that I keep in my diaries or share with my closest friends. But not even my closest friends can relate to what I write or give me the feedback I desired. Instead of trying to find another group of people that would appreciate my works, I guess it's easier to tell myself that I'm just not relatable and that I should keep it all to myself.

And just like that, as I grow older and harsher to myself, I don't even write anymore.

_

At 58, my father, once he feels deeply moved or inspired by something, is able to whip up 4-5 paragraphs immediately. With my current mindset, I would put myself as an outsider seeing only the faults of his writing - how unstructured it is, how he sometimes has so many ideas and not focus on the one message he really wants to deliver. But I realize that's a very narrow perspective I'm using and by doing that I fail to acknowledge his consistency, his grit, and his passion in writing about MMA - something he has been interested in for years.

While I don't always love the quality of his writing, I admire how he is always able to connect MMA and life lessons. I mean, sure, any sports could offer tons of life lessons, but isn't it amazing to see someone so consistent in seeing the positives of this certain sport and wanting to share it with others?

_

I'm too scared to put myself out there, not just in writing but in many other instances in life.

I may seem nonchalant or like I don't care about what people think of me, but I do, a lot. So in fear of these 'future judgments', I hold myself back from venturing into something I don't know. All because I don't want to be seen incapable, or weak. Yes, it may have provided me 24 years of false comfort, shielding myself from failures and heart breaks. I don't want to admit it, but my family was always right, doing this also held me back from discovering my full potential and getting new opportunities.

Dare I say, the best time of my life so far, was when I let go of my fears and just pursue what I want. I have never experienced such highs again in my life as I came back to being the restricted, scared, Innaz that keeps choosing only the paths she knows.

It's weird how binge-watching The Apprentice on a Saturday night could provoke such a long train of thoughts within me, but I decided this last night: I wouldn't hold myself back from getting out of my comfort zone anymore - not when I have such limited time in this world.

I ended up self editing what I wrote last night (sorry, big sis, I guess your self publishing more, self editing later lesson will take me another day). But at least this one's going to be published.

I will learn to accept my writing and myself more, as I navigate life at 24.

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