back to square 1, but it's okay.



Image: Klaudia Piaskowska from Unsplash

The past few days have been tough on me as I try to make sense of what's happening to me recently.

It all started last Sunday, when I got to go on my dream date - a visit to an art exhibition. Never would I have thought that was going to be my first art exhibition date as well as my last date with the person I went with.

I suppose I should've seen it coming when all he did during our visit was look around by himself, lost in his thoughts, while I followed him around like a sad little puppy.

We walked around some more until he managed to make up his mind to take me to another place only to say he didn't want to see me anymore.

I couldn't quite process my thoughts and feelings correctly at the time, genuinely dumbfounded by the sudden turn of events that evening.

But at least I knew, I couldn't hold on to someone who wants to leave, no matter how much I want to. So despite it being nowhere near what I pictured my dream date would be, I let him go.

In the process of coming to terms with my own feelings, I am reminded again of that one quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower:
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
This saddens me more than the fact that my relationship with that person didn't work out, because it essentially means I think I deserve someone like him.

Someone who is barely there for me.
Someone who disregards my feelings and calls only when he feels like it.
Someone who's trying to hide the fact that he was going out with me.
Someone who's always unsure about his feelings for me.

My mind pointed out so many red flags along the way, but my heart persisted all because of what I think I deserve. I ended up making one too many excuses for him.

We're both adults so it makes sense that we have our own battles to fight everyday and not feel like talking on some days.
He had his conditions and I should be happy that he's texting me when he doesn't call.
He was probably just too careful about his relationship and doesn't want to go public early.
He probably wanted the best for us so he took time processing his feelings.

These rationalizations actually mean:

I was barely there for myself when I needed to be.
I disregard my own feelings and often make excuses.
I am not proud of myself.
I am not even sure about myself.

How did I come to this?
Has life been so unkind to me that I started being unkind to myself as well?

While I am still unsure where I stand on my journey of self-love, I got to be reminded again through this experience of the one thing my sister truly wished for me,
"To love herself before she loves anyone else."
Hey, heart.
Let's pause finding someone else out there to love and start loving ourselves, huh?

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